Should I be going to sleep? Yes, but I want to dip my toe back in the world of my writing. I don't know that I ever realized how much my writing kept me sane before, but I'm realizing it now. I guess I should have thought about it in 2016, when I was going insane over my history thesis (Haleigh and my history professors can all tell you that), but I'm sure realizing it now.
Short version, I don't have a lot of time. I'm struggling with all the stuff that goes with teaching, and then all the stuff that goes with being a student. Lucky for me, I have one more assignment to turn in tomorrow for SPU. After that, it's my big portfolio project, seven more lesson plans to be reviewed by my field supervisor, a lot of paperwork, some reflections... but honestly, none of that matters as much as teaching, and so far I'm still scared teaching. No, it's not the students. Yes, I knew this would be a big job. I still want to teach. But it's a big job.
A couple of weeks ago, it all slammed into me that I was way out of my depth. I can't help every single kid the way they need it. How can I? I'm just me.
Then, that Sunday, Pastor chose for our Old Testament reading the story of Moses and the burning bush, and all of God's promises to be with Moses despite all his excuses. It was a sharp and important reminder for me - it's not just me. God is working in me somehow, and He is not going to let me or these kids slip through the cracks. He knows what He is doing. He knew what He was doing when He helped me get into SPU, He knew what He was doing when the Turkey trip lined up perfectly to count for class credit, He knew what He was doing when I found the job at the school out by Redmond, He knew what He was doing when I got the student teaching gig I got, and He knows what He is doing today, tomorrow, and every day going forward. I must learn to trust Him. My trust abilities are pretty weak, but if He uses this to strengthen them, so be it. I'll take it.
I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't even know if I'll pass my big portfolio project. I've never been less sure of anything in my life. But if I don't - God knows what He is doing. Whatever comes next, I commit it to His hands.
Readers - I encourage you all to do the same. It doesn't make everything feel okay right away (my family will testify to that!), but it suddenly becomes so much more manageable.